So as I was in the bathroom washing my face and brushing my teeth going over the days events. It suddenly dawned upon me that I constantly worry about my relationships. My relationship with my family is nothing less than perfect. Believe me when I say the holidays where dragging on like cramps that just don't go away even after you take four or five Ibuprofen. But a recent situation in one of my relationships deals with my ex. This is the one relationship I don't understand and don't know how to fix. The background of this relationship starts three years ago. We met online (before you think of the worst let me just say that he used to live in Arizona where I live now and he knew one of my close friends so I went on to her firend's list and saw him). Long story short we started writing one another (at that point in time he lived in CA) and became close friends. Eventually our writing soon turned into daily phone conversations.
It was the first time in my life that I was able to talk to someone (couldn't believe it was a guy) that I could say anything to and trust my darkest secrets with. He made me laugh, was always supportive, and willing to be there when I needed him. I decided within the first year of knowing him that I was going to take a chance and drive out to see him. I told myself that this guy wasn't just any friend, but he was someone special to me. When I arrived to his place in CA, we immediately hit it off (no pun intended) and I knew I wanted to be with him. I liked this guy so much that I traveled to CA by myself four times just so I could hang out with him (I knew I was in-love).Before May of the second year he finally 'convinced' his family to move to Arizona were he wanted to move (possibly to be near me?).
When he arrived in Arizona I can't even explain how thrilled I was. I thought 'this was it' that fate had wanted us to be together. I couldn't believe that the guy I liked so much was finally moving closer and I could visit him more. Well the downside to this was that he was living about 100 miles away from me (sucky). However this little bump didn't stop him or I from seeing each other as often as we could. During the summer, he finally got up the courage to ask me to be his girlfriend. This point was the highlight of my year. I had a great job, I was going to school at ASU, and had a loving boyfriend. The first half year we started dating was great! We would visit each other almost every weekend, go to movies, dinner, shop, ya know the usual girlfriend/boyfriend thing. In the beginning we had little arguments (but who doesn't). Well soon these little arguments turned into big arguments which where fueled by my personal problems and family life affecting him. His conservative self-controlling ways didn't really help me agree with him all the time. Soon this romantic fairy tail of two people finding each other, and who lived so far away trying to beat all odds, had finally crashed big time.I needed to figure out my issues without him telling me what I needed to do and he needed to focus a little more and get his priorities straight (on himself I guess).
We Broke up last April, but have still be struggling with this "we're friends but I still care about you" relationship. He doesn't call everyday like he used to (which is what I half expected to begin with) and doesn't worry about me as much. We constantly argued on the phone and it only lasted for an average of ten minutes compared to the old time 'all night-er' convos.
In past months things started to look up for both of us. We didn't argue as much, he started to care a bit more and even called me back a few times in one day. During the holidays I was half surprised when he mentioned he might be visiting a friend (near me) for new years. As soon as I heard I immediately asked if he would like to hang out with me for half the day before the new year's party. No sooner he arrived on Dec. 31st, we met up and an instant attraction began. He started to flirt with me during dinner, hold my hand and hug me while we walk to the movie theater. Before the end of the night had ended we where kissing already. I knew I always had feelings for him and that I was/still love him. But in the back of my mined I was unsure about his feelings and motives towards me. As I dropped him off at his friends house and gave him my good bye; we kissed and I told him, "I love you". His immediate response, "I love you too".
I drove to my aunts house before midnight and thought about what had happened. Are we going to try to get back together? Does he was to be with me? Did he just say 'I love you'? I called him later that night to wish a happy new year. That was probably one of my best new years I have had so far. So now this is January the 10th. I've caught you up on my relationship so far. As far as the questions that I pondered. . . It got a lot more difficult to answer when this last week arrived.
Tuesday was a nice day. I got to talk on the phone with him a few times and things where really good. I ended my conversation in the evening with him talking about how his brother and sister-in-law would be visiting til Sunday. Then I finished the call with asking him if he could call me the next day. He said 'sure' and 'talk to you later'.
Wednesday. . . Thursday. . . Friday. . . Saturday. . .
At this point you can be for sure that I was livid. How can someone who cares about me (and tells me he loves me) not call me for four days. I know he usually likes to go onto his Facebook and write things down for his friends/family to see. So later that evening I checked to see if he wrote anything. I noticed that he sent me a letter around 1pm. Basically this is how the whole Facebook writing went between us:
Saturday, 1pm
Hey Jamima! how is it going? My brother came down with Jessica yesterday, so I took him hiking and today we went to Bisbee to the mining town. He is going back Sunday night to Phoenix and leaving on monday. Too bad i have to work this weekend, or I would take them to more places here. I will try to give you a call tomorrow after work. Have a nice night!
"mister cool guy"
Responce:
Saturday 6:30ish-pm
dont call me..
-Jamie-
6:31ish-pm
f your too busy to wait til now to even think about writing me and NOT calling... dont wast anymore of your time and mine... quite using me for your benifit (i.e. u calling when u want to, u hanging out with me when u want to) im tired of being 2nd or on your waiting list... i shouldnt have to feel this way...hope u had fun with your brother...
-Jamie-
6:35ish-pm
also thanks for "facebooking me to tell me your gonna call when u could just called me JERK!!!"
-Jamie-
Responce:
9pm-ish
You know, I dont understand why you are being so immature. I have been pretty busy with family. Forget it then, I wont call you. Have a nice night.
"mister cool guy"
Responce:
Sunday 9am-ish
ya know i had my cousin and his son fly in from out of town too for new years.. but i didnt forget about you, NO, i ate dinner, went to the movies, ran u on a beer run, went to your friends place to hang out just before midnight... i could have been with MY cousin and my family that whole day (btw i hvnt seem my cousin in years) but i decided to hang out with u cuz i cared about u... and im not immature,... im just not as SELFISH as u are... u could have called once like i requested (more like pleaded) and talked for 2 minutes... instead YOU decided to be immature and just type me a little note on here to tell me you where going to call... how LAME are you... why is it such a stretch for me every time we talk to have you call me? this is why u dont care... you make up excuses for not calling like: 'i forgot' 'i was busy' 'your just being immature' i guess you need to fined someone else who cares whose LESS immature than me...oh and what another great excuse for you to say youve been so busy with family but you can take the time to jump on your facebook several times this week to upload pics and type in crap for your friends toknow how you are.. but you dont even consider talking to me to let me know how you and your family have been... again your selfish.. you only care about you which is why i can easily understand why ude forget about me.... we have known each other for over three years and we have had a relationship (plus you recently say u still care about me, u kiss and hug me) how can you say i'm immature when all i wanted was for you to call me and talk to me...your mean, you treat me less than what you say you feel for me, and you only talk to me when you feel like it.... i hope this makes you feel so happy that you hurt my feelings so much and you constantly breaking my heart. i love you and care about you and would love to try to fix things between us.... but not at the expense of you not giving a crap about me and making me be the one who has to make the effort to be with you.... i really hope you understood this letter and what im trying to explain. i would only want you to talk to me if YOU felt like you wanted to not because i tell u to.. it seems from the four days of no talking i can understand your feelings towards me are very clear now..
-Jamie-
. . . Ok, so I know you might think that all the stuff I wrote was way out of line or I should have kept my mouth shut. But coming from a girl whose loved this guy for little over three years, I've have had to deal with a lot in this relationship. I kinda needed to get that stuff off my chest and at the same time let him know how I feel. I probably should have told someone about my problems first, but then that wouldn't be like me to just not say what I wanted to say to him. I still care about him, but I want him to stop being so selfish and start caring about me. I guess change only happens when the person admits they need to change. It's a long shot. So what do I do now? How can I figure out whether or not to be his friend? not talk to him anymore? talk to him occasionally? (not an option, would consume me into depression). So I'm putting this out there to anyone who would care to give out some advice? or personal experience? I'm sure of the future. . . I'm sure that it will soon unfold my decision for me.
Until next time,
-Jamie-
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